Catherine the Great of Russia kept her wig maker in an iron cage in her bedroom for more than three years.
Why? Did she smell bad? I would have hated to be the royal hair remover, Catherine would have kept me in the crapper.
I like Dolly's quote better.
“How long does it take to do your hair?” Answer: “I don't know – I'm never there. I've got more important things to do.”
Ping Pong Balls
So me and the Co-Workers were having a conversation on how many Ping Pong Balls a woman can fight in her vagina.
The other day I was thinking about the health benefits of toilet paper consumption, guess you can stay healthy with Charmine.
This isn’t Copper, but it is a fair look-a-like of what he was. Copper is my friend Daydah’s dog.
One day, I get a call from Daydah. She says that she decided to take Copper to See Nature. I thought she was saying she took him out to the woods and left him but no, she took him to a cabin in the woods. Some friends were having a screening of an illegal movie and thought it would be a GREAT idea to bring the dogs to play with each other.
Copper was a sweet and innocent dog, until that day. Through the tears, Daydah goes on to tell me that the Pugs really liked Copper and took him out to play in the backyard. As they were watching the crappy version of the movie, they hear a cry, thinking it was the movie, everyone ignores the cry.
After 15 minutes of incessant crying, Daydah decides to investigate. The Pugs had decided to pin their tail on the Copper. That poor dog was getting gang banged by 4 male Pugs.
Saddest part was he changed. No longer could you cuddle with the poor dog. Oh, no, he was renamed Jizz Master (Orgazmo). His perpetual crusty coat takes away from the cuteness. Any male, not female, dog that would come (excuse the pun) in the vicinity would cause the dog to reenact that scene with Laura Croft in Grandma’s boy. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grandma%27s_Boy_(2006_film)
Copper looks like this now to me.
When requesting another person go smoke with me, I will typically yell “Yoko!?!” and then I wait for a response of “Ono!” Walking in an electronics store, calling my friend to leave, I yell “Yoko!?!” but I didn’t see the little Asian family in front of me. The lady turned around. Maybe I shouldn’t do that in public.
Why do new boss think they are going to change everything and make it work? Just because you get a department, it doesn’t mean we won’t hate you any less than we did the last one we MADE quit. Good luck Milk Toast, you have a really shitty stall to clean out.
My department is like a hottie, someone somewhere is sick of putting up with their shit and moved on and there was a reason for it.
All dark windows, no clocks, and happy drunk faces.
I have a chance of winning more money in one pull of a slot than I do all day here.
There would always be fresh, non-vended food is an easy to manage buffet style setup.
Shrimp, all you CAN eat shrimp!!!
Everyday could be CARNIVAL!
Scantily clad nubile bodies and not sweaty depressing tech zombies cracked out on Dr. Pepper and Funyons.
I would say “readily available weed”, but this is tech support, that already happens here. Maybe more appropriately, I would enjoy my job and the vending machine food would entice me more.
Prostitutes. Real honest to goodness hookers. Not just managers getting on their knees for free.
Non-stop drink service for free.
Bonuses for just showing up. Double bonuses on Seniors’ Day.
No animals allowed. Come on, right now I work one step above monkeys. Nah, monkeys are better behaved in captivity, even when rabid.
“Really? Shocking.”
“Oh well, that’s too bad. There is someone out there for everyone.”
“I’m certain the circus is in town, you could try there.”
Tattoos
Slipped disks
Seepage
‘This is your new tool. Answer: “You’re a new tool.”
Shooting, Suicide, Hunting, Hammer Induced Head Trauma, Cannibals, Holocausts, Gun Caliber Sizes and Home Invasions are not topics that should be discussed in training. Even when the trainer is the main participant.
Why do guys have this fascination with American Psycho? I think I am starting to judge people by if they like it or not. And if you bitch about it, let me state for the record, Christian Bale sux.I really hate that the summer is coming. Do you have any idea what 150 trolls in one hot room smells like? If not, for the sake of the children, don’t come to a computer store in Arizona in the summer. There is no amount of cooling that can fend off the after effects of Axe Body Spray and Cheese Steak.
Being a computer nerd and seeing Click, I find myself disillusioned. I want a remote that speeds up time and mutes people. And damnit, I was promised a flying car. I see no flying cars.
“If you want it both ways, you have to suck it up.”
Why does the term “Secret Word’ sound so dirty? It was really gross to hear that come out of Banjo Boy.
I found out Banjo Boy’s initials were B.J., he didn’t like having me giggle in front of the class. Everytime that he would say “Tool”, I would giggle and say under my breath, “You’re a tool.” It kept me amused for the day.
The most stupid argument I have heard today:
2010 being stated as year “o-10” and not Zero Ten or just Ten. Then it devolved into you can’t call 2009, “o-9”. The argument lasted for ten minutes. I want my ten minutes back. Here is what I could have been doing with my time: Ice Sculpting, Gyno Exam, Cure Cancer, Cause Cancer or Club a Baby Seal.
Why do men think they are “hotter”, and act like a total cock rocket when they are already balding and shave their head? What’s worse are the guys that aren’t going bald doing the same exact thing. Tools, they are all Tools.
If you lose 300 calories during sex, would you lose 150 during masturbation?
“What are you doing this weekend?”
“You?
“Why? Is your internet down?”
Geek Concerto: When trainers switch positions in a class.
Geek Central: Legal smoking corner or bench. Note: not truly a geek unless there is a portable techie device is attached to their person.
So a Neanderthal Ice Man was fixing the ice machine, the motion that he was using is most commonly seen in gay bondage porns.
NIM: You need some water, I’ll move.
CW: No, that’s ok, I like watching you work. (Giggle)
Ice Man goes back to happily pounding the line.
Him – “I went for that twice; I really should have shot myself in the foot.”
Me – “Why didn’t you?”
Him – “Hey, that’s not nice”
Me – “If I’m meaner will it make you do it finally? This time Aim Higher.”
Meth Mouth
Sucking Snot
Rubbing your nose repeatedly when making a presentation.
When a person is talking, you see the spit stream in their mouth, like they are salivating and gonna eat ya.
Sitting at someone else’s cube and feeling the crumbs of a long lost taco in the keyboard.
Getting a cup of ice from the company ice machine and finding a family of roaches living in the ice bin.
Hosting the company potluck, picking up the borrowed clean crockpot from a co-worker and finding numerous roaches in the equipment bag. Having to keep my mouth shut when people ate food she cooked.
Men are stupid. I think some of them just like listening to themselves, that is why they turn into trainers. The perfect job for most of them would be talking to a window. They would get the same results as if there were real people there. I am sure they could even win an argument.
www.cnn.com/2010/OPINION/03/23/brizendine.male.brain/index.html?hpt=
CW with big Koi fish on arm for no reason: "Vindication!!"
Me: Still not an excuse for that fish tattoo.
CW: Was that a stab at my artistic expression?"
Me: No, your taste.
how did that get fixed so fast
it was most likely a glitch
yeah thats it
hmm interesting
cookie or server don't know
maybe the hamster had hiccups
yep
or we upgraded to a brigade of gerbils
Lol imagine the smell!
Its no fun when It becomes zookeeping lol
what that is different than "hot summer tech"
i zoo keep now
ewww so gross
and true...
you haven't been married to that smell
i divorced it
upgraded to euro trash
smells much cleaner
no thankfully I married something pretty smelling... but it ended the same lol
bet it dresses better too
hehe sorry
I m not
new one is macy's to walmart
Litterally
I dont doubt it, I decided to take the journey from walmart to Stash myself... it is an interesting trip
nice :0
lol that reminds me of browsing around some dating site somewhere and reading a profile that said "if you buy your clothes where you buy your toilet paper dont bother messaging me"
i like that
if you don't own a car you will not be going out with me
lol hell yes
every bad relationship started that way and tequilla
Girls who cant drive are the bane of my relationship past as well
ew
apache junction has alot of those
i used to employ them
it sux
It is a rule, girls do not get date without job, vehicle, intelligence, sense of humor ,and ability to wear makeup without looking like a clown... I ahve been told for a man I am very picky.
that is not picky
that is maintained
you are not in the outer congo
they made bic for a reason
These weren't flames of passion.
The Swiss daily Blick reported that a fire in an apartment used for transsexual prostitution forced a naked Swiss man onto a window ledge.
Firefighters rushed to the scene and put out the flames, but not before the man was photographed in all his glory against the modern building.
Worse, from the man's point of view, Blick printed the photograph on Tuesday and quoted Markus Melzl from the Basel prosecutor's office as saying the apartment was used for the sex business.
The 33-year-old man was hospitalised after the fire on Monday afternoon, according to the paper. It said he was released that evening with light burns.
http://news.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=1028266
“clinic employee scans his eyes using a handheld camera. Within seconds, the camera reads his iris patterns, and a computer locates his medical record.”
Why do I have a magnet located in my body that attracts drunk people?
Why does it always happen to me that I mind my own business, I don't want to talk to you. I don't want to hear about your problems. I don't know you. Your petty meaningless life should not interfere with my getting a Big Gulp. Your breath stinks and your weird eye is creeping me out. Go away. No, you don't want to go away do you? You would rather unload your crackhead baggage on an unsuspecting victim. Do you really need to stand near me? I can smell everything you have eaten in the past 3 years, oh look, I can see what you have eaten in the remaining 3 teeth you have.
Follow up to Drunk man the next day.....he was beat up outside of his luxurious Budget Suite or as I like to call it "Crystal Palace".
According to him, "they took everything." What was that Jethro? Did they take your latest copy of Wraslin' Monthly or that BMX bike you stole off the 8 year old that you use to transverse from your palatial "estate"?
Maybe you should lay off the bottle and the crackpipe, take a shower, visit with a toothbrush and leave innocent by-standers alone.
If you are going to tell me that you are going to clean up at least make a half assed attempt. By the time that I get home I would like you to have at least found the source of that smell, I am not talking rocket science here.
Oh, and while you are at it, could you take a shower? I think I found the source of that god-awful smell.
How come fat men tend to smell worse then skinny ones? Is it that you can't reach certain areas? Do you lose the soap in there? Should I feel sorry for you, man, for whom the idea of actual exercise causes riotous laughter in the immediate vecinity? Do you know that I giggle a little everytime you say that you have lost weight? How can you tell that you lost weight, are things revealing themselves to you that you haven't seen in eons?
It is sad that you are so big that you do "sweat the small stuff". Small stuff like walking to the kitchen or getting up to change the game you are playing...you know, the important stuff.
"It's not enough that we do our best; sometimes we have to do what's required." Winston Churchill
It is only when they go wrong that machines remind you how powerful they are. Clive James
The production of too many useful things results in too many useless people. Karl Marx
"Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers." Leonard Brandwein
"To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer." Paul Ehrlich
“Just because something doesn't do what you planned it to do doesn't mean it's useless.” Thomas Alva Edison
Writing has never been easy for me. Telling stories on the other hand, that I can do.
1. Here are a compalation of some of my favorite stories.
2. I conviced my son that City Bus Drivers’ were robots for over a year.
3. I got my son to mimic “I wanna go to the Black Market and make soccer balls and shoes.”
4. Had complete conversation on my son but only remember him saying, “Well, if you face wasn’t so jacked up, you wouldn’t have that problem.”
5. I arranged to get fired for April Fool’s Day with my boss.
