Why I am going to hell...I make fun of people...alot. I love to go to the mall, especially at Christmas, and watch the freaks. You know the ones I am talking about, hell you may have been that person, but what I am about to say is pure and unadulterated honesty. Admit it, you dress like that so that I can make fun of you. You there with your 50,000 earrings and that is just the ones that I can see, is that a badge that says, I am too cool to get my ass kicked? And you, girl that can't be older then my last pair of running shoes...You need to eat a sammich and a pie. I don't think your mother would like the way you are hanging on that punk reject with the ultra tight "don't-look-at-my-lack- of-goodies" pants.
What is up with those pants? Did they not see that even the Heavy Metal hair bands gave them up? Oh, and that Mohawk, that so says "touch me" ok, maybe not touch me, more like "Hit me with a pail of water and watch me scream like a girl". That would be fun.
Another example of why I am going to hell happened with my friend Dayda. That will be her name here. Pronounced DAY-DUH. Say it a few times, it's catchy. Ok so anyway, I am going to hell because I made fun of her 5 year old daughter. Ok, complete honesty, we were inebriated and we both made fun of her. Dayda's daughter comes out of the house with a big bouncy ball, the kind with the handle and the most retarded looking bike helmet. Yeah, I said retarded, so what I am already going to hell. The daughter then bounces up and down the hall in front of Dayda and I, yelling at the top of her lungs "I'm a dork! I'm a dork!" I laughed, I cried, I couldn't make her stop. Only thing that would have topped it is if she was drooling.
For the final example for today of why I am going to hell...I feel sorry for peoples cars and shoes. Step this way, I have to give you a history lesson. My husband is a large man. Ok, frankly he's fat. Not, OMG, I am going to get squished large. More like, damn that man could hurt me seriously if he should happen to sneeze wrong. I married him at a time in my life when I drove a 1992 Hyndia Excel; A skate on steroids. THE MAN as he will be called here, weighed 360lbs and is 6'5". It was a clown car to him. I felt sorry for the car...That much load on one side must have been hell. Ok, that completes the history lesson, onward.
I saw a woman the other day. She was 6 of me in one ingeniously disguised floral tapestry. She was wearing mule tennis shoes. For those of your that are not "in the know" they are the most god awful thing in creation next to Anna Nicole Smith. I took one look at those shoes and thought, "I am so sorry that you were the chosen ones. If I could get you away from Mothra, I would. " I could hear the little Tom Hilfiger tag crying out. I could do nothing. That made me sad....For a minute. Then she got into her Geo Metro and drove away.
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